I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
