She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
