Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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