Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
