i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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