in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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