Are we in a gay sports bar?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
