guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
