i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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