I could make wine with my vomit
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
