My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just want to make out with him forever
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