Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
