foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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