420 ftw
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you had me at cake vodka
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize