I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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