I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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