ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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