Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
