So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
