Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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