It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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