Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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