we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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