a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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