Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
