My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
