**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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