Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
