There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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