No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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