I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
