If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have peed in a lot of sinks
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
