The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
