What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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