wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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