if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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