just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My liver is preforming stress tests.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
