I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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