I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
