my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
