True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
