Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
