He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
