awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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