you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
