think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
