i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize