My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
