I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
3pm strippers are depressing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
