I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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