honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
