My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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