if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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