Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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