Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
