fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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