they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
