I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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