he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
