I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
