woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
