i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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