you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I cockslap morals
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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