I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize